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RobertTran04
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Name: Robert
Location: California, United States
Birthday: 5/13/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Going online, playing Dance Dance Revolution, and listening to music.
Expertise: 1) Being the greatest creation ever made.
2) Being humble.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/18/2003
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| I'm a fucking torn up and heartbroken train wreck of a mess. I just need to get through this week. I need to stay away from you but I can't help but miss the shit out of you. God I miss you so much. My room is so empty without you. My Roomie moved out and I don't know if she's coming back.
Everything sucks without you.
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| My old professor told me that love is an ability. I didn't quite understand what she meant until I went through it. My friend recently told me that I have so much love inside of me that it's amazing, and she called me a rarity. That's when I realized that love really is an ability, and maybe it supersedes everything else, but I always thought that having loyalty was an ability too. Sometimes, one trumps the other, and the more my old friend loves his girlfriend, the more betrayed I am, and the more loyalty becomes a futile principle in the universe. It ceases to mean anything to me anymore. Love really is an ability, and it's an ability that you really have, but loyalty isn't. The more you get better at your ability, the more I hate you, and the more I distrust anybody who's ever had loyalty to me. I have long stated that I will never blame anybody for my feelings. I don't. I know that these are my feelings about a situation. But I am not going to sit around and pretend that you didn't contribute to this mess that I have to fix myself, and the fact that I can't look at any of my friends who have looked at my in the eyes and have told me they'd always be there for me. I thought of you as the one I trusted most and you pissed all over it. I really need to do what an old friend of mine did, and look into my heart for forgiveness and not hold so much hate anymore. Maybe I just need more time.
Cate, if you ever get to read this, I've told you how I feel about you, and I'm sorry to lump you in with other musings about things that have nothing to do with you, just a jaded past where I was hurt a lot by a friend; but this entry is about love, and at this point in my life, in case something ever happens to me, I want there to be some documented evidence of my words, so that they'll somehow immortalize my feelings and you as a person. You're my favorite person, and you're the one that showed me that love is an ability. And loving you is the easiest thing I've ever had to do.
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| If every mistake that I've made in life meant that I would ultimately meet you in the end, then it was all worth it, and I would happily repeat those mistakes again. You don't know how blessed I am to have met somebody like you. You'll never know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. But when we're together, it's pure and mature, and you've shown me that it's possible to take that strong love and turn it into something positive instead of emotional. You've changed my life. You're my salvation.
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| So much has happened in the past month. It's funny how emotions come and go so easily. The world is like an infinitely long conveyor belt. Something happens. People are happy about it. People move on. Same goes for tragedies. Life goes on.
I was going to post about how I felt about Obama winning the presidency, or how I felt about Proposition 8 passing, and the subsequent protests that followed. But honestly, what does it all matter? I foresaw that these strong emotions, both positive and negative, would soon go away. It hasn't even been a month yet and Obama's win for presidency isn't as hotly discussed, nor should it be. Neither is prop 8. Just like illegal immigration, how it used to be a hot topic, but people forget and move on with their lives. Kind of sums up how I see my life.
I spent months building these walls back up after they crumbled down this summer, and for whatever reason, they're knocked back down. I don't know why or by whom, I just know that I haven't felt right about myself or anything about my life the past week. I'm overwhelmed with this unexplainable sadness and loneliness that won't dissipate. I have work in four and a half hours, and instead of being upset, I'm looking forward to having an excuse to be extremely exhausted by the end of the day so that I can sleep and pass by the time by myself, hoping that things will magically get better one day when I wake up.
This all sounds like some emo lament-fest, I understand. That's precisely what it is. Whatever's wrong, I hope I figure it out and it goes away soon. I would love to pinpoint what it is and fix it, trust me. It isn't about a girl, or school, or my job. Maybe everything in life in general. Just an uenasy feeling. I just want it to go away.
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